Establish-Maintain-Restore: Building Strong Relationships

The establish-maintain-restore framework is a way to build strong relationships. It gives adults three clear phases to follow. The short name for it is EMR.

This matters because relationships drive good behavior change. BCBAs, RBTs, teachers, and parents all rely on trust. When trust is strong, learning gets easier. This framework makes that trust a plan, not a hope.

Many adults treat relationships as luck or chemistry. EMR treats them as a skill you can practice. It breaks a big, fuzzy goal into clear steps. That makes strong relationships something anyone can build.

The three phases of EMR#

EMR breaks a relationship into three simple parts. First you build it, then you keep it, then you fix it. Each phase has its own moves.

Dr. Todd Hayden lays out the model for teachers and students. He walks through what each phase asks of you.

Here is establish, maintain, and restore called EMR. I'm going to take you through what each phase you would want to do. And it helps, um, helps teachers and students form positive relationships. From the talk. Dr. Todd Hayden

The three phases give the work a clear shape. You always know which phase you are in. That makes it easier to pick the right move.

The phases also flow into each other over time. You start by building, then shift to keeping the bond strong. Restore comes in only when a rupture happens. Together, they cover the whole life of a relationship.

Establish: building the first bond#

The establish phase starts the relationship. You spend real time with the learner up front. This is sometimes called banking time.

The idea is to invest before you ask for much. You show interest and share positive moments. At the same time, you hold high, kind expectations.

This early investment pays off later. A learner who feels seen will trust you more. That trust makes the next steps possible.

Banked time is like money in the bank. You add to the account before you spend from it. Later, when you must give a hard demand, the account is full. The relationship can handle the stress.

High expectations still belong in this phase. Caring about a learner does not mean expecting little. You show warmth and belief at the same time. Learners rise to adults who both care and expect.

Maintain: keeping the bond strong#

The maintain phase keeps the relationship healthy. You do not wait for problems to connect. Instead, you add positive moments often.

Dr. Hayden stresses meeting hard behavior with care. You respond to trouble with empathy, not just rules.

Responding progressively to behavior. We do that and respond to unwanted behavior with empathy. From the talk. Dr. Todd Hayden

Small, steady contact does more than rare big talks. Matt Harrington points to this daily habit as the key.

You can take small moments, 30 seconds to one minute daily consistently to start building relationships with learners that are far more significant than once every couple of weeks having a big heart to heart. From the talk. Matt Harrington

The lesson is that little moments add up. A minute a day beats a rare deep talk. Consistency is what keeps trust alive.

These small moments are easy to fit into a busy day. A quick greeting or a shared laugh counts. You do not need a special meeting or a big event. You just need to show up warmly, again and again.

Non-contingent attention is a key part of this. You give warmth for free, not as a reward. The learner does not have to earn your kindness. This steady care builds a safe, trusting base.

Restore: repairing after a rupture#

Every relationship hits rough patches. The restore phase fixes trust after a hard moment. This is where many adults skip a step.

Dr. Hayden asks adults to look at their own part. You check if you helped make the moment worse.

Can you take ownership if you've done anything on your part to escalate the behavior, maybe didn't respond too well? Can you come up with mutual problem solving? And do you have a statement of care? From the talk. Dr. Todd Hayden

This move takes humility. You admit your part instead of blaming the learner. Then you solve the problem together.

A statement of care seals the repair. You remind the learner that you still value them. This helps the relationship come back stronger than before.

Many adults skip repair because it feels awkward. But a skipped repair leaves the rupture open. Small hurts can pile up over time. A quick, honest repair keeps the bond healthy.

Repair also models a key life skill. Learners watch how adults handle mistakes. When you own your part, you show them how. That lesson can matter as much as the repair itself.

Why the framework works#

Matt Harrington notes that EMR came from social work. It crossed over into ABA through Dr. Todd Hayden.

Another thing I want to point you to is the establish, maintain and restore cycle that was popularized by social workers and ABA, Dr. Todd Hayden. From the talk. Matt Harrington

The framework works because it is proactive. You build and maintain trust before problems hit. Then you have a strong base to repair from.

It also fits trauma-informed care well. Learners with hard pasts need safe, steady adults. EMR gives you a clear way to be that adult. Matt applies these ideas to schools in IEP Advocacy, Tier 1 Behavior Support, and Compassionate Behavior Change in Schools.

FAQ#

What is the establish-maintain-restore framework?

It is a three-phase model for building strong relationships. You establish trust, maintain it, then restore it after conflict. The short name is EMR. It came from social work into ABA.

How do you use EMR each day?

Focus on small, steady positive moments. Even 30 seconds to a minute a day helps. Meet hard behavior with empathy, not just rules. After a rupture, own your part and repair together.

Why does the restore phase matter so much?

Ruptures happen in every relationship. Without repair, trust slowly breaks down. The restore phase rebuilds that trust on purpose. Owning your part and showing care make the bond stronger.